Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
