i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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