He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
