his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize