his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
