i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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