Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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