When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
