in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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