batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
