May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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