We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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