i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
