If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
