Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
