sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
