Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
