I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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