so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
