they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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