He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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