I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i think my cat just said my name.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
