A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
