are you so shy because you have an std?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
