I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
