he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
