you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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