The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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