i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize