Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
