First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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