Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
