happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
