i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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