From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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