I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
