Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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