my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
