if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
