My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
