Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
