I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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