remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
