3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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