What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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