My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
