she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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