im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
