saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize