My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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