i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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