I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
