Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
