Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize