oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
