I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You took a bar mat shot.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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