Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
