I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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