I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
