I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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