I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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