Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize