Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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