Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
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